Motherhood and Perfectionism

I'm a perfectionist.  I've always known this about myself, but when I was a wife and an employee it seemed to be a positive personality trait.  I thought I had being a good employee down.  I was pretty confident that I was usually a good wife, too.  I cooked good food, kept the house clean, did laundry, and Matt and I did a lot of fun stuff together.  I took pride in doing those things well. Now that I've become a mom, I'm not so sure that perfectionism has a place anymore.  As if becoming a mom isn't hard enough, I keep putting more pressure on myself to do everything perfectly.  I want to be the perfect wife and perfect mom.  The worst part is that being a perfect mom means that Kate has to do things perfectly too....take naps at the right time (in the right place, for the right amount of time), eat at the right time, and the list goes on.  The problem is that there is no 'right' or 'perfect' way and the mounting pressure is enough to make me go crazy some days.  Plus, it's totally unfair to expect these things from an 11 week old baby.  

I'm learning that I can't be the perfect mom, but I can be perfect for Kate, and that's all she needs.  When it really comes down to it, Matt likes to remind me that as long as she is clean, fed, warm and loved, I've done my job.  Of course, I do so much more than that with her, but I need to let go of all the things I pressure myself to get done and just focus on meeting Kate's needs.  Matt doesn't care that our house is clean and picked up every day or that we eat a gourmet meal for dinner, so I need to let go of that expectation as well.  Being a good mom means just that - being a mom, not always a chef or a maid.  Easier said than done, but I'm going to try.

Becoming a mom means becoming a new person.  A different person.  And you can't just add being a mom on top of being other things because becoming a mom changes those other roles too.  And being a mom is hard work.  It isn't a bad change, it's a chance for God to make me new again and I'm trusting Him to do that.  Change is hard for everyone.  I think change is especially hard for me; I’m a creature of habit.  So these changes are painful in some ways.  It sometimes feels like Matt has the whole ‘being a dad’ thing figured out and is so much more comfortable in that role.  Maybe because he’s a pediatrician, or maybe because he’s more laid back than I am.  He’s able to go with the flow and just let Kate be Kate.  More than that, he’s not a worrier.  I never thought I was a worry wart, but I’m finding that I am.  It’s so easy to worry about every little thing with a baby, but worrying doesn’t change anything.  I have to remind myself that worrying does nothing but take joy away from the time we have together.  I know this time is going to go by so fast (I’ve said this so many times before), so I am working on enjoying our moments together, taking advantage of the time we have, and loving her exactly where she is.

Becoming a mom has shown me all the ways I am selfish, but it is also allowing me to learn to put someone else’s needs above my own.  My need for perfection is NOT more important than any of Kate’s needs.  Being a mom breaks you down from the person you were into the person you are becoming.  And while that process is so hard, it’s also so good.  I am so thankful to be Kate’s mom and to be learning along with her.  I’m thankful for the lessons she’s teaching me and the ways she’s helping me to stretch and grow.  Even though it’s not easy, it’s worth it.  She’s worth it.